Cover to Cover: The Fault in Our Stars, Ch 13

So . . . this is interesting.

beetlejuice-ok-then-o

After the last chapter, which took approximately 30 years to talk about and required backup to be airlifted in via flying owls, Green decided to make the rest of his chapters . . . short. Also really boring.

Huh.

Not really sure what to do now . . .
Not really sure what to do now . . .

So I’ve read several chapters ahead, and am kinda struggling to figure out how I’ll turn each into a reasonably-long post. There’s just not that much there there.

I mean . . . what am I supposed to do with this?

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Seriously, what the hell am I looking at?

Why is that its own chapter? Did you have a quota to fill or something, Green? The one before it is a page and like 2 lines; what reason could you possibly have not to combine those?

This book is so bad that even its structure annoys me.

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Liebster Awards!

I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Award!

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Thanks to elianasin for nominating me! You can find them over at The Written Opinion, where they review books (instead of just snarking them like me). It’s a good time and worth checking out.

Anyway, let’s get this party started!

Rules:

  • Thank the person/people that nominated you by providing a link to their blog in your Liebster Award post
  • Give 11 random facts about yourself
  • Answer the 11 questions from the blogger/s who nominated you
  • Nominate 11 other blogs that have 200 followers or less
  • Ask your nominees 11 questions of your own

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Cover to Cover Guest Post: Chapter 12, Part 3

In case you didn’t catch it in my last post, The Giddy Owl filled my heart with song by pointing out how terrible the scene in the Anne Frank museum is.

The Giddy Owl

For those not in the know, TheDrunkLibrarian is doing a fantastic recap of John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars. We have both connected over how terrible this book is, and she has come to me for my skills to analyze what is arguably the most controversial part of the whole damn book. Get your ciders and popcorn ready, because this is going to be a long one.

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Cover to Cover: The Fault in Our Stars, Ch 12 Part 3

Guys, guys. We are finally nearing the end of the longest freaking chapter in the world.

Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!

And unfortunately for me, the site I was using to bootleg the book is no more. It has ceased to be. It has expired and gone to meet its maker. It’s a — okay, I’ll stop now. Anyway, you can find the book here for now, and I’m sure when this gets taken down I’ll find another place to get my electronic Green goodies.

So we’ve found ourselves at the top of the staircase, where Sunshine is collapsed and desperately struggling to breathe. It would be genuinely moving and beautiful if I wasn’t sitting here wondering why your mom isn’t here to help deal with things like that, instead of your cancerous-but-oh-wait-that’s-totally-a-surprise-I-will-not-see-coming boyfriend and a stranger who’s inexplicably decided to pay for your visit (with Van Houten’s money, I’m sure).

Yeah, apparently I’m pretty bad at empathy.

What? No, I care, really.
What? No, I care, really.

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Cover to Cover: The Fault in Our Stars, Ch. 12 Part 2

SYMPOSIUM SCHOOLWORK FINANCIAL AID REGISTERING FOR CLASSES AAAAHHHHHH!

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This entire week. And last week. And next week.

 

AND I’M 4 DAYS BEHIND ON THIS WEEK’S POST!

But it’s okay, because I have John Green to keep me calm and composed and remembering what’s really important in life: being pretentious.

Screaming_internally

And you know what’s even better? This chapter is so long, and so terrible, that I need to break it into thirds. That’s right: this’ll be my first-ever 3-PART CHAPTER!

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Oh man, there aren’t enough gifs in the world to save me. I could’ve blown this off and played Town of Salem for a few hours, guys. Maybe I could’ve afford the sweet rock-splatting-onto-you death. (P.S. If any of you play that, I’m cayaway. Friend me; I’ll need the comfort after reading this garbage.)

But no, I’m here. Because I love you. And hate myself.

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Cover to Cover: The Fault in Our Stars, Ch. 12 Part 1

Cover to Cover: The “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” Edition!

That is the face of a man who wonders where his life went wrong.
That is the face of someone who wonders where their life went wrong.

I mean . . . what are the odds that this chapter is just an extremely elaborate (and belated) April Fools’ joke? Because I literally don’t understand how a group of educated human beings read this chapter and didn’t immediately light themselves on fire.

Were the editors on crack? Was Green on crack? Was crack sprinkled into the lining of every page so that people were somehow convinced that anything in this heinous chapter was a good idea?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. As you may remember —

unless you repressed it
unless you repressed it

last week we finished the most painfully boring bit of nothing Green has put on paper to date, which is saying something. This chapter is . . . less boring, but twice as long and harder to get through. I’m not even sure where to begin, because there’s just too much wrong to address that it overwhelms my brain and sends me in anaphylactic shock (seriously, what do they put in this book?).

This might end up being the first ever three-parter.

I'm just as thrilled as you are, trust me.
I’m just as thrilled as you are, trust me.

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