The Internet is Weird: Sexy Edition

Well, this seems like a perfectly natural transition from the Christian post I just did made over 2 months ago.

To be fair, that one got pretty steamy.
To be fair, that one got pretty steamy.

As to why the long break . . . I don’t know what to tell you. I’m never on time for anything. My life is an endless parade of being late, where order rarely lasts more than 10 seconds and everything is confusion.

And in my defense, these things take like 4-5 hours a piece. Being this brilliant and witty requires work.

But this week we’re going to be talking about the saucy side of the Internet. And I think I’m uniquely qualified to comment on sexiness, since I’ve taken 3 whole pole dancing classes.

I'm basically a pro.
I’m basically a pro.

Anyway, if you thought our Lord and Savior was creepily fetishized, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Time to get into the real kinky stuff!

Honestly, I was expecting something different.

Honestly, I was expecting something different.
Honestly, I was expecting something . . . different.

Apparently Wish doesn’t understand what “sexy” means, unless it thinks babies on the loose are arousing. Then again, it doesn’t quite grasp the concept of a dress, either, so maybe I’m asking a lot of the creators of the website. But you have to assume peeing won’t be very pleasant in that, right? And it must give the worst wedgies.

All things considered, this is pretty tame, though. And look, this next one isn’t bad either:

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 12.08.20 AM

I mean, these titles are starting to make me question whether or not words have meaning, and that poor model looks like their eyes were either awkwardly Photoshopped larger or they’ve seen a lot of shit, but it’s fine. It’s cute. I’m not sure if it covers up your nipples or removes them entirely, but that’s quite chaste for lingerie. Hell, that’s tame for a bathing suit.

Maybe Wish just has a more innocent idea of “sexy” than the rest of us on this depraved internet.

Nope. Never mind.
This would probably be a good time to mention that while nothing here is technically NSFW, there are going to be some things like . . . you know, this. So determine how comfortable the people around you would be with this before proceeding.

Now I feel like I’m home! Ah, it’s like I’m back on DeviantArt. I was getting worried for a minute that I was the weird one.

Well, I don't think I asked for your opinion.
Well, I don’t think I asked for your opinion.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about this, except that they could use better-fitting underwear — though it must be hard to shop for someone whose breasts are larger than their head and whose thighs are the same circumference as their stomach. It must be awful trying to find a bathing suit — and that cannot be a comfortable position. It’s not Escher-Girls-bad, but . . .

Nope. That don't feel good.
Nope. That don’t feel good.

I just realized that I messed up that pose: my back isn’t straight because all of my weight is on 1 not-chimp-length arm and 1 foot, and the hand across my stomach is supposed to be dangling down like a limp fish, but I’m not getting back into that position.

My foot hurts now. 😦

Nope. Not even trying it.
I’m not even trying it.

That’s a terrible outfit for the beach, which I assume that’s what the crab is trying to point out. Electronics probably aren’t great for the ocean, either, and they’ll get sand in their ice cream. Plus, what’s that thing on their wrist? The lack of verisimilitude makes it impossible for me to find this even remotely sexy.

Of course, the fact that they’re twisted like a towel someone’s trying to wring water out of kind of ruins the mood as well. Call me old-fashioned, but I like someone who doesn’t look like an unholy abomination straight from Lovecraft’s nightmares.

But hey, not everyone is into female bodies, let alone ones that look like a Slinky that fell down the stairs. What is there for those of us who are a bit more male-inclined, you may ask?

Aww yeah, something to make the rest of us uncomfortable!
I guess I assumed the whole “body pillow with an anime character plastered across it” thing was exclusively male. Nice to know the internet offers a little weirdness for everyone!

Wouldn’t that sword get in the way of hugging the pillow? They’re going to cut their face. Is no one else thinking about this?

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 12.15.05 AM
I feel like it’s just me who wonders these things.

I’m trying not to make fun of the concept of these too much. I mean, whatever works, right? And these aren’t hurting anyone (except the underpaid people making them). But I guess I underestimated the number of people interested in . . . whatever that is. None of these people look remotely human; they all have scary red eyes or twisted bodies or . . . you know, are a pillow. Who finds pillows attractive, is all I’m wondering.

Well . . . a lot of people, it turns out.

Screen Shot 2016-05-29 at 10.45.39 PM Screen Shot 2016-05-29 at 10.45.58 PM Screen Shot 2016-05-29 at 10.46.07 PM Screen Shot 2016-05-29 at 10.46.22 PM Screen Shot 2016-05-29 at 10.47.05 PMOkay, so I get the tweeniboppers — kids love some black-and-white pop star realness — and Loki obviously makes sense —

Obviously.
Obviously.

— and that zombie show is apparently a thing people enjoy instead of endlessly watching Let’s Plays and drag queens —

I’ll never understand popular culture.

– but who’s the dweeb in the cowboy hat? Luke Bryan? What the hell’s that? Let me just hop over to Google and . . . oh. Oh, no.

He’s a country singer.

Aggggh, make it stop. It’s so douchey!

Well, that explains the pillow, at least. Girls love a good ol’ country boy [read: white guy in flannel] with a heart of gold and family values [read: Christian and homophobic] and a love for the outdoors and the simple life [read: conservative with the trappings of rural poverty, but at least upper-middle-class]. Doesn’t that just make you want to hug a pillow with his face on it?

Okay, that was mean. Let’s move onto something less controversial, like nipple tassels.

Everyone likes a good nipple tassel, right?

Women, men, grandmas, the Pope. It's like the cheese pizza of smut.
Everyone: women, men, grandmas, the Pope. It’s like the cheese pizza of smut.

That being said, those are not heart-shaped. My butt is more heart-shaped than that, and my butt looks like a lump of Play-Doh someone left in their closet for a year. For $2 I expect a real heart, dang it! It doesn’t even look like an anatomically correct heart. You are a disappointment to nipple coverings everywhere!

On the subject of things that barely cover your nipples:

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 12.00.52 AM

The shortness of those skirts is disgusting. Absolutely appalling. This is the kind of thing that is ruining our country.

Oh, no, not because it’s slutty or anything. It’s just . . . can you imagine how gross sitting would be? Especially on a school chair? In the cafeteria? Ugh, sometimes in lower grades you have to sit on the floor! In that! Think of all the dirt on your butt! You could get an infection or something!

(I’m not very good at role-playing. I tend get lost in the details.)

But if schoolgirls aren’t your thing, you could always dress up as . . . a dog? Or someone who skinned a dog?

Fluffy, no!
Fluffy, no!

Actually, this is kinda cute, like for a real Halloween. Not sure why it’s here, considering it shows about as much skin as an actual school uniform, but you do you, internet. Personally I’m just thinking that this would be great for trick-or-treating on kinda cold nights. You could wrap your tail around yourself and be very cozy.

I’m beginning to suspect I’m not a natural at this “sexy” thing.

I'm beginning to suspect I'm not a natural at this "sexy" thing.
No, really?

Like this, for example. Leather’s sexy, right? Catsuits are sexy. There should be no way to not “get” this next one. But . . .

Screen Shot 2016-05-13 at 4.57.59 PM

I just keep thinking how sweaty their butt must be in that thing. And their underboobs: those are gonna be some swampy boobs when that thing finally comes off. Also the zipper seems . . . dangerous. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to ever put jagged metal near naughty bits, no matter how innocuous it may seem. Bits deserve only gentleness.

To be fair, though, I don’t think Wish understands that there are any bits involved in sex, because they have a tendency to remove them, even on products clearly dedicated to to do just the opposite:

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 11.59.35 PMWhere is it? I understand coyly covering NSFW areas or putting a little censor sticker over them, but that poor model in the middle looks like their vulva were replaced by the smooth plastic of a Ken doll. The nipples have vacated the premises as well; I’m kind of surprised that buttcrack wasn’t sealed over into a beige blob.

And sometimes the Photoshop is a bit more . . . clumsy? I think that’s what I’m seeing here.

What's wrong with her butt?
What’s wrong with that butt? Am I hallucinating, or is the left cheek totally misshapen?

This one isn’t Photoshopped or anything, it just looks uncomfortable:

Black was a poor choice of color, I think. And what holds it up?
Black was a poor choice, I think. And what holds it up? Does it snap into place? Because “snap” is another word, like “zipper,” that has no business in the crotchal region.

I do wonder at what point in your life you decide you’d rather spend $5 (plus shipping) on a jockstrap rather than just go commando. I want to meet the 1 person who bought this.

Also, their butt looks like a black void. Try not to stare into it for too long.

When it comes to the male form, for some reason, there’s less need to be coy:

There is nothing here I would consider censoring. This seems like a totally appropriate picture and outfit. Wear it to a family barbecue!
There is nothing here I would consider censoring. All looks family-friendly to me.

If anyone in your life wears this, or even implies that they’d consider wearing it, drop them immediately. Don’t explain why; they should already know — and on some level, probably do. Man, woman, doesn’t matter, because they thought this was worth spending money on, and you don’t need that in your life.

I promise you: you deserve better.

This, on the other hand, I have no problem with.
This, on the other hand, I have no problem with.

Looking at the title, I wonder if anyone has ever worn it to the beach or a costume party, and what that looked like. Much like the apron above, I can’t imagine a scenario in which that outfit is received by any reaction other than groans and sighs.

Again, "party." What kinds of parties are these people going to? Is it a good thing I was never invited to parties?
Again, “party.” What kinds of parties are these people going to? Is it a good thing I was never invited to parties in college?

I did discover that, when it comes to men’s products, there’s kind of the opposite of the de-vaj-ing going on.

By which I mean, bulges. Acres and acres of bulges.

Bulges as far as the eye can see.
Bulges as far as the eye can see.
A veritable cornucopia of bulges.
A veritable cornucopia of bulges.
For God's sake, all I wanted were some boxer shorts!
Mesh bulges, thong bulges, bulges that breathe smoke! A bulge for every need, ladies and gents!

To be fair, you have to admire the amount of effort put into — wait, is that a baby?

To be fair, you have to admire the amount of effort put into the bul — wait, is that a baby?

Now we’re all on some government watch list. Sorry, everyone.

And while babies and men's genitalia are both on your mind, how about some shoes?
And while babies and men’s genitalia are both on your mind, how about some children’s shoes and a terrifying penile cage, all for less than $10?

I don’t want to admit how long I looked at that last one, but I still don’t know what it is. I feel like it would make a great cat toy, though.

Screen Shot 2016-05-28 at 4.18.05 PM

If you say so, sweetheart. I prefer my “romentic” partners not to role-play the Coppertone girl, but your mileage may vary.

Man, this “sexy” post has turned disturbingly child-heavy. Those aren’t words I ever expected to say.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 12.02.16 AM

I get this popping up in my suggestions all the time, and it never fails to creep me out. Apparently it’s a great product, looking at the number of people who’ve bought it, but that reads way too “tee hee, jailbait!” for my comfort. Also it looks like you’ll spend at least 65% of your time picking fabric out of your butt.

Ditto for this:

Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 1.51.05 PM
Apparently the average woman is far more comfortable with wedgies than I am.

I don’t care how short these are. People should wear whatever makes them feel comfortable, so if you’re into the length of these, get down with your bad self. But . . . why the pockets?!

People who wear “women’s” clothing are already tormented by pockets the size of quarters, or imitation pockets that are actually sewn shut or embroidered on because life is a cruel joke and fashion hates me. Why would you add insult to injury by adding pockets that you can’t even use a little bit? What is the purpose? 

up yours

When it comes to fake pants, though, these absolutely take the cake:

The tacky, denim, hairspray-soaked cake.
The tacky, sparkly, hairspray-soaked cake.

It’s minimalist in its own way, taking away literally everything pants are supposed to be except a cloth barrier between your genitals and the world. There are no pockets (or fake deception pocket-like things), no zippers, no buttons.

Just a thong illusion that would work so much better if a) the thong wasn’t made of the exact same material as the pants it’s supposedly not attached to, b) the pants looked even remotely like pants, and c) you literally just bought some ultra-low-rise jeans and wore a thong above them. There’s no reason to ever spend money on this, let alone $30.

If you want to show off your underwear, there are much better ways:

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 12.03.11 AM
Like this!

Honestly, I love these. Not only will they terrify the first person who gets a peek at your drawers, but it’s a kitty! Who doesn’t like kitties? It’s so cute, you almost forget it’s been marinating in someone’s crotch juices all day.

tumblr_mlkblyFXgp1qfc5wjo1_250
Yep.

This was a weird post.

But don’t worry, I’m sure things will get much more normal in the next part. Right?

Right.

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