Animorphs Retrospective, Book 1: The Invasion (Part 1)

OH MY GODDDD IT’S FINALLY HERE!!!!!

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Thanks to a long talk with my pal Taylor, I’m going through the entire Animorphs series, one book at a time!

Okay, maybe this has already been done, but it hasn’t been done by me. Which is a perfect reason for me to do it! I’m filling that me-shaped void in the Animorphs fandom and literary criticism.

So how is this going to work?

Basically, you can watch Taylor and I attempt to discuss this in a coherent and non-meandering fashion (spoiler alert: we’re not successful), on a podcast called Morphathon, hosted by Bibliomancy for Beginners. So that’ll consist entirely of the two of us shooting the shit about this series, and I will be in full fangirl freak-out mode for 54+ straight episodes.

I will also be writing all of my feelings in a written post, because my brain operates better in writing than speech. In general these will just be my opinions as I read through this series for the . . . 6th time in 13 years. It’ll only include my thoughts, because Taylor has his own blog and this is a place for me. I am the queen of my castle, and I will not have other people’s rational discourse getting in the way of my fangirling and snark.

If you’d like to read along, all of the books are available as PDFs here! You can always try buying them or checking your local library, but they’re getting harder to find, which is why I’ve saved all of the PDFs despite having my own collection.

Booyah.
Booyah.

Yes, it infuriates me that they don’t all fit on one shelf. And by 1 book, no less!

But anyway, time to get started with what I’ve been known to call The Best Children’s Series of All Time (subtitle: Eat It, Harry Potter). I last read it in high school, which was a time of naïveté and poor judgment. Will it be as good as I remember? Let’s find out!

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The Internet is Weird: Sexy Edition

Well, this seems like a perfectly natural transition from the Christian post I just did made over 2 months ago.

To be fair, that one got pretty steamy.
To be fair, that one got pretty steamy.

As to why the long break . . . I don’t know what to tell you. I’m never on time for anything. My life is an endless parade of being late, where order rarely lasts more than 10 seconds and everything is confusion.

And in my defense, these things take like 4-5 hours a piece. Being this brilliant and witty requires work.

But this week we’re going to be talking about the saucy side of the Internet. And I think I’m uniquely qualified to comment on sexiness, since I’ve taken 3 whole pole dancing classes.

I'm basically a pro.
I’m basically a pro.

Anyway, if you thought our Lord and Savior was creepily fetishized, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Time to get into the real kinky stuff!
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The Internet is Weird: Christian Edition

I have a shopping problem.

Namely, that I like to do a lot of it. And have the income of a graduate student.

making it rain
Pictured: Not me, unless she’s raining receipts of things she didn’t need.

This minor addiction is made both better and worse by my discovery of a website called Wish. Ostensibly, everything on this site is dirt-cheap because you’re ordering directly from the manufacturers, and cutting out the middle man saves costs. Which is probably about 40% true, but it’s also really cheap because . . . well, it’s really cheap.

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Yeah . . .
Yeah . . .

It’s a lot of fun, but only if you obey a few cardinal rules:

  1. Always look at the pictures uploaded by users.
  2. Never buy anything that doesn’t have pictures uploaded by users.
  3. Read the reviews — all of them.
  4. Memorize your measurements and don’t pay attention to sizing; they’re Chinese, which runs at least 1-2 sizes smaller than US.

I only break these rules like . . . half the time I buy stuff, so there’s another one I had to add:

  1. Expect everything you get to be crap.

In reality, I’ve bought 7 things so far, and of those, 3 have been better than I expected, 2 have met expectations, and 2 have been slight-to-significant disappointments. (One of which I got a refund for despite having been an idiot and not obeying #3, so that’s pretty cool. Also, if you know anyone who’s a Chinese XS-M, I have a super-cute dress for them.)

Okay, somehow this has turned into a review for the site. Don’t go on Wish: everything is cheap and it’s way too easy to fall into a shopping frenzy, because they reward purchases with discounts that only last a week, which if you’re me means that you have to buy something or else you’re throwing away free money . . . and next thing you know you’re living in a box drinking wine made by Hobo Joe, which you’re pretty sure is about 35% pee.

You don't want to emulate someone who voluntarily drank Ras-ber-itas. Trust me on this.
You don’t want to emulate someone who voluntarily drank something called a Raz-ber-rita. Trust me on this.

But if you have a shopping addiction and hate throwing away $20 a pop on cheap garbage, get this app. That way, you’re only spending $5 on cheap garbage. Just be prepared to develop a wishlist thousands of items long, full of things you probably will never buy.

For example, do I need a pair of tartan suspenders? Have I ever worn suspenders in my life? Do I see a situation in which I will benefit from tartan suspenders in any way? No, no, and not unless I successfully transform into a Magic Pixie Dream Girl. But I WANT THEM.
For example, do I need a pair of tartan suspenders? Have I ever worn suspenders in my life? Do I see a situation in which I will benefit from tartan suspenders in any way? No, no, no, and not unless I successfully transform into a Magic Pixie Dream Girl. But look at the great price! I WANT THEM.

Angst about how cute I used to be aside —

I was so skinny.
I was so skinny.

— one thing this site is great for is seeing what the Internet wants to buy. And the Internet, it turns out, is absolutely nuts. So let’s-a go!

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Bibliomancy for Beginners: Nostalgia Junkie: Pendragon: The Merchant of Death by D. J. MacHale

Hello my lovelies! I know I haven’t been around to blog and crap, but I’ll do that tomorrow.

No, I mean it!
No, I mean it!

But in the meantime, you can watch myself and another wonderful book blogger, The Pied Piper Calls (a.k.a. Michaela), chat about another YA book that sucks considerably less: Pendragon, a kids’ series by D. J. Machale that’s . . . kinda silly, but relatively fun:

And in case you don’t feel like watching an almost-hour-long chat, I decided that having a life is for losers and transcribed the whole damn thing for you. Well . . . some of it. An abridged version. It’s really long, guys, and my back hurts from being hunched over a computer for almost an hour.

But I’m doing it anyway. Don’t say I don’t love you, kittens.

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Ode to Lemony Snicket: A sort-of review of All the Wrong Questions, and not at all a review of Shouldn’t You Be in School?

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Hi, guys.

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I know, I know, this is my second week-late post in the last . . . period of time, and this week I’m not even giving you any Green-loathing goodness to make you less mad at me. If I had more than 1 regular reader, I’d be really worried you guys were going to come after me all pitchforks-and-torches style.

But it’s not like I was having a great time, okay? On Thursday I finished 6 grad school credits in 6 weeks, which were exactly as riveting as you’d expect —

WOOO! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!
WOOO! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!

— started a new job, finished moving into a new house, looked into leasing a car, realized I couldn’t afford to lease a car, cried quietly for several hours, and then gave up on leasing a car.

With all that going on, is it really fair of anyone to ask me to also talk coherently about why Green is the worst of everything?

No. No, it is not. So instead I’m going to review an actual good book, at least in part to prove that I read those sometimes. Continue reading