The Internet is Weird: Sexy Edition

Well, this seems like a perfectly natural transition from the Christian post I just did made over 2 months ago.

To be fair, that one got pretty steamy.
To be fair, that one got pretty steamy.

As to why the long break . . . I don’t know what to tell you. I’m never on time for anything. My life is an endless parade of being late, where order rarely lasts more than 10 seconds and everything is confusion.

And in my defense, these things take like 4-5 hours a piece. Being this brilliant and witty requires work.

But this week we’re going to be talking about the saucy side of the Internet. And I think I’m uniquely qualified to comment on sexiness, since I’ve taken 3 whole pole dancing classes.

I'm basically a pro.
I’m basically a pro.

Anyway, if you thought our Lord and Savior was creepily fetishized, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Time to get into the real kinky stuff!
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The Internet is Weird: Christian Edition

I have a shopping problem.

Namely, that I like to do a lot of it. And have the income of a graduate student.

making it rain
Pictured: Not me, unless she’s raining receipts of things she didn’t need.

This minor addiction is made both better and worse by my discovery of a website called Wish. Ostensibly, everything on this site is dirt-cheap because you’re ordering directly from the manufacturers, and cutting out the middle man saves costs. Which is probably about 40% true, but it’s also really cheap because . . . well, it’s really cheap.

Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 6.36.28 AM

Yeah . . .
Yeah . . .

It’s a lot of fun, but only if you obey a few cardinal rules:

  1. Always look at the pictures uploaded by users.
  2. Never buy anything that doesn’t have pictures uploaded by users.
  3. Read the reviews — all of them.
  4. Memorize your measurements and don’t pay attention to sizing; they’re Chinese, which runs at least 1-2 sizes smaller than US.

I only break these rules like . . . half the time I buy stuff, so there’s another one I had to add:

  1. Expect everything you get to be crap.

In reality, I’ve bought 7 things so far, and of those, 3 have been better than I expected, 2 have met expectations, and 2 have been slight-to-significant disappointments. (One of which I got a refund for despite having been an idiot and not obeying #3, so that’s pretty cool. Also, if you know anyone who’s a Chinese XS-M, I have a super-cute dress for them.)

Okay, somehow this has turned into a review for the site. Don’t go on Wish: everything is cheap and it’s way too easy to fall into a shopping frenzy, because they reward purchases with discounts that only last a week, which if you’re me means that you have to buy something or else you’re throwing away free money . . . and next thing you know you’re living in a box drinking wine made by Hobo Joe, which you’re pretty sure is about 35% pee.

You don't want to emulate someone who voluntarily drank Ras-ber-itas. Trust me on this.
You don’t want to emulate someone who voluntarily drank something called a Raz-ber-rita. Trust me on this.

But if you have a shopping addiction and hate throwing away $20 a pop on cheap garbage, get this app. That way, you’re only spending $5 on cheap garbage. Just be prepared to develop a wishlist thousands of items long, full of things you probably will never buy.

For example, do I need a pair of tartan suspenders? Have I ever worn suspenders in my life? Do I see a situation in which I will benefit from tartan suspenders in any way? No, no, and not unless I successfully transform into a Magic Pixie Dream Girl. But I WANT THEM.
For example, do I need a pair of tartan suspenders? Have I ever worn suspenders in my life? Do I see a situation in which I will benefit from tartan suspenders in any way? No, no, no, and not unless I successfully transform into a Magic Pixie Dream Girl. But look at the great price! I WANT THEM.

Angst about how cute I used to be aside —

I was so skinny.
I was so skinny.

— one thing this site is great for is seeing what the Internet wants to buy. And the Internet, it turns out, is absolutely nuts. So let’s-a go!

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