The Internet is Weird: Christian Edition

I have a shopping problem.

Namely, that I like to do a lot of it. And have the income of a graduate student.

making it rain
Pictured: Not me, unless she’s raining receipts of things she didn’t need.

This minor addiction is made both better and worse by my discovery of a website called Wish. Ostensibly, everything on this site is dirt-cheap because you’re ordering directly from the manufacturers, and cutting out the middle man saves costs. Which is probably about 40% true, but it’s also really cheap because . . . well, it’s really cheap.

Screen Shot 2016-06-05 at 6.36.28 AM

Yeah . . .
Yeah . . .

It’s a lot of fun, but only if you obey a few cardinal rules:

  1. Always look at the pictures uploaded by users.
  2. Never buy anything that doesn’t have pictures uploaded by users.
  3. Read the reviews — all of them.
  4. Memorize your measurements and don’t pay attention to sizing; they’re Chinese, which runs at least 1-2 sizes smaller than US.

I only break these rules like . . . half the time I buy stuff, so there’s another one I had to add:

  1. Expect everything you get to be crap.

In reality, I’ve bought 7 things so far, and of those, 3 have been better than I expected, 2 have met expectations, and 2 have been slight-to-significant disappointments. (One of which I got a refund for despite having been an idiot and not obeying #3, so that’s pretty cool. Also, if you know anyone who’s a Chinese XS-M, I have a super-cute dress for them.)

Okay, somehow this has turned into a review for the site. Don’t go on Wish: everything is cheap and it’s way too easy to fall into a shopping frenzy, because they reward purchases with discounts that only last a week, which if you’re me means that you have to buy something or else you’re throwing away free money . . . and next thing you know you’re living in a box drinking wine made by Hobo Joe, which you’re pretty sure is about 35% pee.

You don't want to emulate someone who voluntarily drank Ras-ber-itas. Trust me on this.
You don’t want to emulate someone who voluntarily drank something called a Raz-ber-rita. Trust me on this.

But if you have a shopping addiction and hate throwing away $20 a pop on cheap garbage, get this app. That way, you’re only spending $5 on cheap garbage. Just be prepared to develop a wishlist thousands of items long, full of things you probably will never buy.

For example, do I need a pair of tartan suspenders? Have I ever worn suspenders in my life? Do I see a situation in which I will benefit from tartan suspenders in any way? No, no, and not unless I successfully transform into a Magic Pixie Dream Girl. But I WANT THEM.
For example, do I need a pair of tartan suspenders? Have I ever worn suspenders in my life? Do I see a situation in which I will benefit from tartan suspenders in any way? No, no, no, and not unless I successfully transform into a Magic Pixie Dream Girl. But look at the great price! I WANT THEM.

Angst about how cute I used to be aside —

I was so skinny.
I was so skinny.

— one thing this site is great for is seeing what the Internet wants to buy. And the Internet, it turns out, is absolutely nuts. So let’s-a go!

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